“Doing nothing” best describes this week’s state. Strangely, although I really enjoy this slightly boring state where I don’t have to do anything, I can’t contentedly enjoy it, always feeling that I should use this time to do something, that I can’t stop learning and improving. I constantly bounce between ’let’s enjoy now and think later’ and ‘regret doing nothing.’
The brain can be deceptive, words are beautifully woven lies, forgiveness like love is temporary, nothing is eternal. Sometimes I think such evil thoughts. Amid expectations for the new year, there’s also fear mixed in. Leaving a place, starting a new life - I fear unfamiliar environments, fear meeting not-so-kind bad people, fear life’s balance tipping from the neutral end gradually toward the bad end.
I’m still diligently reading The Story of a New Name: Neapolitan Novels 2, and it’s infuriating to see the comments section constantly attacking Lenu (one of the main female characters, from whose perspective the novel unfolds). In a novel about female friendship, the comment section is filled with malicious comments. I wonder why people are so keen on judging others’ inner thoughts and behaviors, and this judging desire seems similar to a “desire to control” that can be seen in every corner of the internet.
👭Dining and Chatting
Monday evening, I met friends for dinner and chat, celebrating the new year early. That afternoon, the lazy sunlight felt warm on my clothes, making me feel wrapped in something soft. I finally walked that road behind my house that I’d never taken before. I don’t know why I was so busy this past year, leaving my neighborhood and surroundings so vague in my mind. That road is quiet, almost empty, a wide and lonely street with half the one-way road available for cycling. Going forward is a long downhill stretch - on a downhill, you just need to maintain direction and you’ll keep moving forward. Taking this road to my usual movie theater greatly reduces travel time. There’s a school at the end of the road, with an abandoned building across from it. No one knows its history; everyone just passes by.
For convenience and safety, I use “Snoopy” as my name for deliveries. Walking back home via that back road to get a package, I stared at the three characters “史努力” (a misspelling of Snoopy in Chinese) on the delivery bag and fell into contemplation, then laughed helplessly. Sometimes, typos can bring us infinite joy.
In the evening, I met friends for Korean BBQ and chat, discussing everything from work to recent movies, eventually landing on characters from Jin Yong’s novels. We confusedly mixed up various character relationships, arguing for quite a while, alternating between confusion and clarity, laughing until my sides hurt. It’s always joyful dining and chatting with friends who share similar senses of humor and frequencies. I’ve started rewatching Hospital Playlist recently, and I hope that when I’m forty, I’ll still have a group of friends to eat, drink, and laugh with.
🐏Jealousy is an Emotion
I’m not sure why I feel this way, as I don’t have strong awareness of my emotions. Sometimes, I can’t even distinguish these emotions. Most people have attached an extremely negative label to the word “jealousy,” seeing it as evil, like wanting someone to do well but not too well, a mindset of silent competition.
Last month, I happened upon a used bookstore and browsed some children’s picture books, including one about emotions. The emotion family consists of happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, shame, envy, surprise, anger, disgust, and love. In this picture book, jealousy was described as a “little vinegar bottle” - perhaps sour in taste, but as long as it doesn’t harm anyone, jealousy is just another emotion.
Perhaps influenced by reading The Neapolitan Novels, where Ferrante, through Lenu’s inner world, describes extensive psychological activities of Lenu’s silent comparison and jealousy toward Lila. Yet this doesn’t affect my fondness for both Lenu and Lila. Human nature has too many complex facets; judging what’s good or bad in black-and-white terms is too simplistic. Judge actions, not thoughts.
😺The Lucky Cat is a Fish
At the supermarket this week, I visited the ornamental fish section and immediately spotted two white fish with duck-bill-like heads. The yellow label on the tank showed their nickname as Lucky Cat. Writing this now, I think: maybe I can get rich this year too. Later I checked Wikipedia; its scientific name is Red-tailed Catfish.
The supermarket is decorated more festively than last time. After growing up, perhaps because I can no longer receive New Year’s money, I don’t look forward to the New Year much. I might face relatives’ intrusive questions about salary and relationships. In the village, boundaries between people suddenly disappear, with occasional privacy invasions behind warm greetings. I have complex feelings about this - I like the warmth but hate privacy intrusions. People should maintain some distance; these boundaries must exist.
Suddenly, while writing, I’m getting sleepy. Don’t want to continue writing. Recently reading the Neapolitan Novels, I want to train my writing skills. Ferrante’s writing, though direct, is delicate and comfortable to read. I love this writing style. I really hope I can earn enough money to travel to Italy someday; I want to see her Naples with my own eyes, make a pilgrimage. Well, suddenly I have a new goal for the new year.
🎨Books, Films, and Audio
This week I mainly watched The Story of a New Name: Neapolitan Novels 2 and Hospital Playlist.
The rest of the time I was sleeping. Ten hours every day. I’m dizzy.
