Last month on the 8th was my 24th birthday. I didn’t feel much about it, nor did I have any sense of ceremony to celebrate. Even my mom forgot about my birthday. I feel that age is just a number to me - I can still eat ice cream, splash in puddles, observe little crabs in the supermarket, discover cute little things, and do things that elementary school kids do. Growing up perhaps means allowing yourself to experience double happiness - both adult joys and childlike pleasures.
This year I don’t have any specific wishes either, just want to live fully in the present moment, experience, and feel.
1. At 24, Experience and Feel All Beautiful Things
Last month I watched an interesting Japanese drama called We Are Made of Miracles 僕らは奇跡でできている (2018), which gave me great inspiration. The male lead is a university professor teaching animal behavior. In class, he would pose intriguing questions like “Why didn’t the turtle wake up the sleeping rabbit in the race?” and “Why do zebras have stripes?” When students ask him, he always replies “I don’t know.” It suddenly occurred to me that many questions don’t have standard answers, nor absolute right or wrong. Under the intense exam-oriented education since childhood, I had even lost the imagination to think expansively and had no curiosity or desire to explore other forms of life in this world. So one random morning when I woke up, I carefully listened to several different bird calls downstairs. Observing the small things around us can really help us temporarily break free from the framework of rules set by human society and enter a broader world.
After watching some interviews and listening to some podcasts where everyone emphasizes being yourself, saying things like you must do what you like in life and so on - this broad concept, but “I” simply can’t find what I like to do. What I like to do is doing nothing, but is that “being yourself” in the conventional sense? One day while listening to a podcast, I heard a view I quite agree with - we’ve given absolute authority to language, and within this rule framework defined by language, it feels like too many things are restricted. They give definitions to people, divide classes and hierarchies, and have a set of rules about what is meaningful and valuable. But I feel that our existence itself is living, we’ve been being ourselves since birth until now. Not being able to find what you like to do, not finding your talent or interest, it’s not a big deal. Just being alive is an impressive existence. You don’t necessarily have to trap yourself in certain narrative patterns.
I often feel I’m a strange person who can’t understand many rules in the human world, staying outside of crowds. My counselor told me this is also a part of me, respect and maintain your uniqueness. Previously I really couldn’t understand what it meant to truly “love yourself.” When I heard those words, I felt loving yourself means first accepting all of yourself - accepting that you’re not so smart, accepting your quirks, accepting your mediocrity, accepting your imperfections, stop being harsh on yourself. When you’re feeling down, hug yourself, comfort yourself by saying: you’re already doing great, no matter what you do, I will support you unconditionally, I will always be your best friend. This year I read some psychology books and had several counseling sessions, which has helped me treat myself more gently. Previously I was always troubled by feeling like I didn’t have best friends growing up, I was always alone - alone going to movies, alone going to hospitals, alone doing almost everything. But I can always get along well with myself, so I decided that I am my best friend.
Regarding experience and feeling, this point resonates deeply with me. Many times before doing something or buying something, I would first seek experiences and advice from the internet or people in real life, then decide whether to do it or buy it. Most cases end up being discouraged, so I didn’t try to do it in the end, which actually made me miss out on my own experiences and feelings. While previous experiences are important, only after we do something ourselves and have our own experience will we know if it suits us. So, boldly experience and feel everything that interests you.
2. Ichigo Ichie
“Ichigo ichie” is a concept from Japanese tea ceremony, initially used in tea ceremonies to remind hosts and guests to cherish every tea gathering, because the time, scene, and participants of each tea ceremony cannot be replicated. The deeper meaning explains that each encounter is unique and may never happen again, so we should treat them with sincerity and cherish them.
Life is like ichigo ichie. On this life train that belongs to us, some people suddenly get on while others get off midway. The train keeps moving forward, the scenery and people outside the window quickly rush behind us row by row, mountains after mountains, waters after waters, the distant river flows east.
Cherish every encounter between people.
3. This World is a Huge Circle
For this section, I really don’t know what else to write, so I found a diary entry I wrote one day in November. That day I went for a walk alone, exploring roads I had never taken before. The further I walked, the more lost I felt, thinking I would get lost, completely unable to tell directions. But I still kept walking forward, and unexpectedly arrived at a place I had been to but wasn’t familiar with, so I walked around a bit and bought some QQ candy to take home, haha.
I quite like walking aimlessly, sometimes discovering unexpected delights. During my previous solo travels, I also applied this strategy - just walking randomly thinking I was lost and couldn’t find my way out, but seeing different scenery: butterflies flying around garbage bins, a fierce-looking tabby cat sunbathing in warm sunlight, huge cacti, building architecture I had never seen before. Without relying on maps or having any purpose, just walking randomly also led me to tourist spots in the guidebook, after all this world is a huge circle. In any case, this is a nice travel experience for me, and I will probably continue doing so in the future.
So, perhaps, no matter how we walk, as long as we keep moving forward, destiny will lead us to the rivers we are meant to reach.
I’ve rambled on so much, probably without much logic in it, and I don’t know if anyone will see these things in my mind.
Wishing everyone good health and happy life.
